There’s No Sex In Your Violence!

Posted: October 29, 2010 in BDSM

I’ve been thinking a lot about sex.  It’s actually a topic I rather enjoy, but lately I’ve been finding that there are not that many people in this world that are comfortable talking about sex.  Specifically, I’m thinking and talking about sex in BDSM.  There are many out there who claim that sex is either not a part of what we do, or shouldn’t be a part of what we do.

These people have many different reasons for wanting to remove the sex from BDSM.  For some, it is simply because they themselves do not mix the two and their BDSM experiences, while they may be sensual or pleasurable, do not include sex as a component.  For them, removing sex from the BDSM or Leather culture entirely helps them feel more comfortable and might help keep them from having to play next to a couple for whom sex is very much a part of their play.  For others, it might be to make outsiders feel more comfortable with us as a subculture.  By removing the sexual aspect of what we do, it is thought that perhaps outsiders won’t consider us such freaks or consider our play parties little more than orgies with some beatings involved.  Still others think that this will make it easier for new blood to enter our community since people will be less afraid of sexual asault, random groping, or other “creepiness.”  Finally, there are those who find it easier to mislead others about their true intentions, trumpeting the call of sexless BDSM until they have their “victim” lulled into subspace and then turning the tables, bringing sex back into the picture.  There are as many reasons, really, to remove sex from BDSM as there are people trying to do so, some of them are motivated by good and others by evil.

Either way…I disagree.

Any definition of Sadism and Masochism that I look up will tell me that, clinically, these terms are used to describe people who derive sexual pleasure either from giving or receiving suffering.  That suffering can take many forms, but the main commonality is that, in S&M, the giver and receiver both get off on what they are doing or having done to them.  Within our own community, we often use terms like “alternative sexuality” or “alternative lifestyle,” both of which speak of a different way of expressing our love for our sexual partners, similar to how the LGBT community has used the term “alternative lifestyle” to mean loving their partners, whether or not their love is sanctioned by society or not.  Our community is steeped in the traditions of sexual outlaws.  We are rebels who chose to love as we will and we often scoff at society’s boundaries, seeing them as arbitrarily drawn compared to our own.

And yet…all that seems to go out the window when the boxers or panties come off in the dungeon.

Suddenly, we each have to face our own boundaries and accept that the people using the cross next to us may have very different ones.  In places where legalities keep us from the full expression of our play, sometimes this is less evident, but even then, one person’s hot steamy scene might be pushing another’s boundaries.  Then it comes to an ugly head again as we talk about our scenes and our motivations.  Judgments come into play.  Intolerance blooms like weeds in a garden and spreads.  We decide we simply cannot look away from how another plays, but have to comment on it in public.  Around and around it goes.

When I came into the lifestyle, I never dreamed I would find all that I have found.  I didn’t come looking for great friends, mentors, role models, and inspirations.  I came looking for a sexual partner.  I came looking for someone who would explore the darker side of human sexuality with me, who would be both guide and fellow adventurer down paths that few dare to tread.  I was looking for someone dark and mysterious who would have that edge I was looking for.  I was looking for a man or a woman who would, after I got to trust them enough to let go, bring me to my knees, make me shiver, fuck me hard and without mercy, leave me quivering, breathless, speechless, sweaty, exhausted, and then hold me as I came back from the precipice of feeling, from the very borders of insanity, from the edges of nirvana.  At times, I thought I was looking for the devil him or herself.

Sure, along the way, I found so much more than what I was looking for, but it was that sexual drive that was dark and foreign to the world outside that drove me into this world.  I found the devil I was looking for in my Master and found a multitude of other wonderful creatures along the way.  Still, I am not ashamed that it was sex that brought me here and that my BDSM is inextricably linked to my sexuality.  Licking a boot turns me on.  Kneeling and feeling a boot heel pressed into the back of my neck gets me wet.  The sting of a singletail as I tug on the ropes on my wrist…makes me cum.  I revel in it all, unashamed, unembarrassed.  I follow the rules of the spaces I play in, but within those rules I express my sexuality as wickedly, darkly, and fully as I can.

And I make no apologies for each orgasm.

I respect my brothers and sisters for whom this isn’t about sex, but I also ask that they respect that for me, it is definitely tied to sex as much as I am tied to that suspension ring.  If they are uncomfortable with my scene or any scene where that raw sexuality is expressed, by all means, please look away or leave the room.  You don’t need to feel obligated to watch what makes you uncomfortable.  Just don’t try to make the sexual outlaws feel outcast in our own alternate dominion.  Accept that we share this playground and that some of us play dirty.  Don’t try to force us to water down our play, diluting the vital sexual essence on which we thrive.  Don’t ask us to tame the beasts within us simply because they might frighten you with their cries.  Definitely don’t try to hide your own true desires behind a neat facade of asexuality just to mislead others.  Be honest with who you are and what you want.

And what I want…is Leathersex.

  1. Sestra says:

    Yes! THANK. YOU.
    While I do not want people to come into BDSM thinking that it is ALL about just “rough sex”, it sure as heck does have its part in play!
    And thank you also for reminding me of the boot at the back of my neck this past weekend. nom.

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