Only All That I Am

Posted: March 1, 2011 in M/s

This past weekend I was honored to attend the South Plains LeatherFest in Dallas, Texas, home to the International Master/slave weekend.  Although I attended few classes, spending most of my time bootblacking along with some rather “feisty” play, being immersed in that part of the community led me to think more about my own slavery and the nature of our dynamic as well as those of other Masters/Mistresses and slaves.

In vanilla relationships, we frequently give of ourselves to our partners.  We give them our love, our devotion, our strengths, and generally the best parts of ourselves.  We take each shiny part, wrap it nicely, and hand it to our partners, hoping that they will love us for this idealized version of ourselves.  Inevitably, as months wear on, problems start to crop up as we realize that none of us are perfect and none of us can live up to the idealized image that our partners fell in love with.  At that point, we either begin to adjust to reality and learn to love and accept the real, flawed person in front of us, or our relationships crumble.

To me, this is similar to those who frequently tout the “gift of submission,” and base their power exchange relationships around ideals.  They have often read fantasy novels or have some idealized version of what it means to live in a BDSM relationship.  Slaves frequently imbue their Masters or Mistresses with incredible powers including mind reading and ESP.  Masters and Mistresses believe their slave to be perfect in every way, capable of impeccable service without mistakes and immune to illness or injury.  Together, we build pedestals for each other and we each try to fit into roles that we think match what the other desires.

Then reality sets in.

Slaves get sick and can’t serve and must be cared for.  Masters and Mistresses misread cues and make mistakes.  We discover that we are, each of us, human beings, not cardboard cutouts of our D/s or M/s roles.  We discover that it isn’t enough to give only what is shiny and what we think the other wants of us.  We either adapt to the reality of a human slave enslaved by a very human Master or Mistress or else we give up, trying to find the Master or Mistress or slave in our fantasy worlds.

This is where my Master had work to do with me, from the very beginning.

When we first met, I wanted to give only the parts of myself that were easy to give.  I wanted to only give him the parts that I thought he wanted, the parts that were shiny and nice and I felt safer offering, more confident that he would accept them and value them.  The parts of myself I didn’t like, I tried to hide from him, pushing them away and dealing with them myself so that I would not be a “burden” to him.  After all, if I didn’t like those parts of myself, the risk was very real that he wouldn’t either and then would reject them…and me.

Patiently, he kept pushing me, bit by bit getting those parts of me given up to him.  To my great surprise and actual fascination, he not only accepted those parts of me, but seemed to value them even more than the pieces that were easier to give.  He wanted my vulnerability, my flaws, my ugliness.  To him, having control and ownership of those was a much greater accomplishment than merely getting the “pretty” parts of me.  Having full view into the darkest places of me meant that he owned me fully, completely and that he knew me in a way no one else did or ever has.

He didn’t just want the “gift of submission.”  He wanted the gift of all of me, stubborness, quick tempered, and all.  He wouldn’t settle for just my submission…he wanted complete surrender of everything that I am, even the parts I don’t want to claim myself.

He didn’t want much…only all that I am.

  1. nova says:

    Wow very insightful and thank you

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